FUCK IT

...oh, boy. I'm sorry, but this needs a lot of work. Besides being as non-descriptive as possible, it sounds pretty Marty Stu-ish as well. This does not invite someone to RP anything with you, magnified several times by the fact it's painfully obvious you didn't bother to look over what anyone else has written for their characters or even glance over the rules for posting a character.


First things first: Title's wrong. "[Van] Alexi Holland", not "RP Character Alexi Holland".

Personality: Not how you're supposed to write that. At all.
Be more descriptive, write something interesting instead of something that looks like it needs bullet points after being cleaned up. "Choleric", what makes you say that? "obsession", with what? What kind of obsession? Any particular reason for it?
In general, about five sentences works well as a minimum limit.

"exposed to the Panthera Serum as a counter measure to the rampant access to it". ...huh?

Now, I'm a foreigner and all I know about the CIA and stuff is what I hear on tv, but somehow I don't think the CIA-academy is something you can complete in only two years. Especially considering it takes three years to graduate as a hairdresser around here. (And don't you graduate American high school at 18?...)

Apperance: "Inoculated characters, please describe both forms in detail" does not mean you can get away with "full grown". The picture is optional, it does not equal a description. Hair color, eye color, physical features, build, skin color...

I think we've already got someone with the power of electricity. Rephrasing it as "lightning" doesn't work.

Bonus Section: Is that supposed to be an RP-sample? It... needs work. A lot. Starting with spelling and grammar.


I'm sorry if I sound bitchy, but it's been a long day and I just finished part of a spork right before reading this, so yeah...

I'll work on it over spring break.



Alexi graduated highschool early. None ever heard of skipping grades?

1)alexi is brilliant, he skipped grades
2) appetantly CIA recruits they don't have an academy. Fixed that
3) bio electricity is his main power (think electric eel)
4) wouldn't you expect a 19 year old member of any government group to be near peak human levels?

Posting here so as not to clog up the OOC thread-

The basic change to Punk Band is good, however it still has holes, or at least details that could be added to make it more interesting. How long as the band been going? Is it his first one> Whats it called Is it sucessful?

When he was innoculated, how did the recruitment happen? DWas he aprached? By who? Did he know what it was entailed? (Note- Most likely not, because I'm sure it is illegal) If not, then what did he think it was?

I'm also picking up on the 'name causing alot of trouble - how, why, what sort of trouble?

Does he still need the intelligence, if he's in a band? I understand you sometimes what to make your character special, but yeah, sometimes it irritates others depending how it's played of course. 'Average' characters are cool and fun to play too. Of course this is a point out. The intelligence could be fine, as his perfectness has been dimmed down.

Try and make the history flow better in general - Look at others, see how they;ve written it, and what insignificatnent details that add to make the character have more depth.

Appearence: A lot more detail can be put in than just 'Bishonen' Note, some people mighn;t even now what it is, and it covers a lot of ground. Try and add more detail in general. I suggest again looking at others

Abilities: H2H?

Faction: Well he's got have some kind whether it's as simple as 'I want to get out' to ;Hey these powers are actually quite cool' ie Runaways or scientist

Most of this is my own opion, this time round especially, so yeah, any of those actually in charge may mention stuff other than what I said, or completely shoot me down. *shrug*

H2H=hand2hand
He was offered money for what he thought was a drug trial.
(still working on it this is just predrift

I know you said this is a rough draft, but I just wanted to point out something: While your character may know how to use blades and guns, and he may own bowie knives and barettas, as an inoculee he probably won't have either through the course of much of the rp. So... personalizing his weapons might not be something you want to really worry too much about >.>;

It's looking better, though I'm looking forward to reading further drafts!

well he won't have them when he wakes up. he gets them soon after


BIO UPDATED STILL ALOT OF WORK TO DO

so the money thing is out then? *ponders* could he still have been duped that way before?

talken to an abandon building, knocked over then head with a bluint object, then taken to the real place?

Hey, just got around to reading this.

Few points, first he tripped a few major Mary Sue alters with the grade skipping and high IQ, nothing to bad on its own but you've got quite a powerful shifted form so you might want to watch that. Also, Will and he have a similar vector for reaching the lab (both signed up to a drugs trial) any chance they met in the waiting room or something ? As a side not, if he was on a drugs trial why'd they need to knock him out? I can't think of a more perfect pretense to inject a sedative.

it was a trap...and whats mary sue about being smart? and smart people skip grades

Not sure about how to answer this, but it does still trigger a few Mary Sue flags for me, especially with the 'almost died from the injection but bounced back from the brink' bit. It just feels like he is going to be a Marty Stu, and I'd like to try to avoid having those.

I just don't see the point of having him bounce back, plotwise.

Think of it this way, that level of study is going to have severe personality effects. That's fine if you can play them but in all honesty it jars with his personality as written. Someone with authority issues is not going to get on well with the education system, I can buy smart rebel, I can buy studious intellectual, I struggle with studious rebel. Its a bit of an oxymoron.

@Naranth: (hes in a coma untill i first post plot device ftw) Him almost dying is a way to put him out untill i make my first post

@fibio: *points to fighting bit* infers antisocial behavior

I said nothing about being anti-social, but think about it this way. Can you really imagine a kid getting into fight, insulting teachers, truanting by day, knuckling down and doing all his homework with a glass of warm milk by night. You need to decide what you want your character to be, otherwise you can't draw a coherent personality to play with.